What is love? And what is attachment? Is love tangible in words? Numerous questions arise when thinking of love. Let’s dig into this lovely subject!

Non-attachment in Yoga

Non-attachment or non-collection (aparigraha) is the 5th Yama of the 8 limbs of Raja Yoga. It means to not attach (or cling) to possesions, thoughts or even people and having the ability to let go. Settle with enough and not wanting more out of own pains, ego or greed to obtain a feeling of happiness. But how does one love without attachment?

Let’s start from the very beginning, with love.

What is Love?

Love is something that has no rules, no expectations, no boundaries or borders. It is something that just is, as light as a feather. Existing between everyone around us, love is universal. It is a feeling, state that is almost indescribable. Love can be romantic, but as well exist between friends, family and others. My favorite writer Kahlil Gibran writes about love:

‘Love doesn’t give anything, except itself, and she takes nothing, but itself. Love doesn’t want to be owned and become owned. Because love is enough love. Love has no other desire than to fulfill itself.’

Attachment

According the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary attachment and love are practically the same:

• Attachment: a strong feeling of affection for subject or something.
• Love: strong feelings of affection for subject or something.

Attachment and love are intertwined, one cannot exist without the other it seems. There is attachment to love. Where does this stem from?

Attachment in Childhood

In order to create bonds, have friendships and feel love for others and ourselves, we need to learn to love and be loved from the very beginning. The first five years of our lives are crucial to set a basis for love and attachment. A child needs one person to whom it can attach, e.g. a mother that is there. If this person is missing, due to circumstances like adoption, abuse, parents with psychiatric problems or attachment disorders and so on, there is a chance people will create attachment disorders. Which consists of a set of survival mechanisms to be able to survive in this world. They do not seem to have the ability to receive love. That’s why it is so important to be able to ‘attach’ in the early stages of life. To feel welcome on planet earth and to feel that you are worthy as the person you are.

An Active Mirror

So love cannot exist without the ability to attach to someone in the first place according this knowledge. It is your basis for living on this earth. I would like to rephrase this according my own insights. Attachment in childhood is the catalyst to activate the love that is already inside of you. As love is in all of us and needs to be mirrored. Sometimes you do not know how you are acting until someone tells you, or will show in its response the attitude you show. The same goes for love. You need someone to show you how to love. Love is a continuous flow of energy, going through yourself, receiving and giving. Love is not static. So attachment here can be seen as the activation of our (self)love. One person in your early life showing that it will always be there for you, that you are worthy and can start your journey with (self)love in your heart. All the tools, love and talents that we need in this life are inside of us, they just need to be activated by an active mirror until we can feel it ourselves.

Love Nowadays

Around me I see a lot of relationships that are entirely arranged around attachment. There are rules, expectations, needs and wants coming from the egos. People seem to want to ‘own’ each other. I understand that in the society we live now, we cannot escape from certain of these rules and engagements. Though I see a lot of people that want to make themselves whole with the other person. Therefore they need the other person. As they are not complete as a person. They pick up their broken pieces and almost make it the others responsibility to heal or fix them. Your partner cannot fix it. You are the only one who can. To start a relationship because you feel lonely, need a lot of confirmation etcetera is not a good basis. First work on yourself. Become a strong you.

Non-attached Loving Relationships

Here I do not mean people that have an issue with attachment: that only shows there is still work to do. But once you have done your own work, are loving yourself and in a good place, there is no need for attached love. It is all inside you, activated and all. As love just is, there are no needs and wants. No need to attach yourself, to own another. Living in the moment, in the flow of love that can flow freely now. You can support each other with this love, feel happiness for the other person. Knowing as well that all has an end, maybe soon, maybe once you die. But the knowing that it is not eternal can make you appreciate more the love that is there. Making it lighter. No need to grasp, as it comes as it comes and goes as it goes.

The Beauty of Non-attachment

Non-attachment brings so much beauty. All needs and wants disappear, and you can see the person in full light, the light of their being. The light that makes them the individuals they are, their beauty that is unique. No pushing, no pulling, just be. Like love.

Don’t forget to watch the inspiring video underneath as well.

 

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You might be interested in the following posts as well:

Heart versus Mind ~Are you ready to follow your Heart?

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